An Edited History of Rome
by Hammsters
Summary: In which England CAN get knocked up, Germania is a BAMF, and in just about every chapter Prussia's actions will result in pregnancy or America will be scarred for life. Complete and utter crack with just a dash of history thrown in there for kicks. Rated T for language.
1. The Founding of Rome

**So, you see, I was studying for finals over the weekend, right? More specifically, I was studying for my Latin final. So I was reading all this history and legends and stuff, and it was pretty tough to try to remember it all, and then as I was flipping through pages, I saw "In this sentence, _Romano _is masculine." Of course, this meant the Latin word for Roman, but that is irrelevant. From that point on, I related every cultural thing I read to Hetalia, and thus, this whatever-it-is cracky thing was created. Enjoy!**

**Germania- Amulius  
Rome- Numitor  
France- son #1  
Russia- son #2  
England- Rhea Silvia  
America- Himself****  
Prussia- Mars  
Japan- the therapist/himself  
Romano- Romulus  
Italy- Remus  
Switzerland- Henchmen #1  
Germany- Henchmen #2/Himself  
Bush- Itself  
Austria- She-wolf  
Spain- King's Shepherd  
Hungary- Shepherd's wife**

* * *

**Narrator: **Once upon a time-

**Germania: **Really? We're going with that beginning?

**Narrator: **Fine. Once there-

**Rome: **I really think it would be best if you avoided 'once' all together.

**Narrator: **GAH! There was- you know what, screw this. My story, my beginning. Once upon a time-

**Germania: *rolls eyes***

**Narrator: **-there was a sexy- I mean badass- I MEAN great Alban king named Numitor

**Rome: **Hey! That's me! ***grins and winks***

**Narrator: **That's nice. Now anyway, this Numitor guy, he had a younger brother and three kids. Say hi kids!

**England, France, and Russia: *wave and pretend that they weren't beating each other up a few seconds ago* **Hello/Bonjour/Privet.

**Narrator: **But you see, Numitor's younger brother, Amulius-

**Rome: **Hey! That's you Germania!

**Germania: *all teenage like*** Cool story bro ***sarcasm***

**Rome: *is ashamed***

**Narrator: *doesn't like being interrupted* **NUMITOR'S BROTHER AMULIUS was the jealous type, so he kicked Numitor out of his palace and had him locked up.

**Rome: *pouts* **Aw, darn.

**Narrator: **And got rid of all the heirs

**Germania: *whips out chainsaw and BAMF shades* **Say _die _kids.

**France and Russia: *die***

**England: *to himself* **Why didn't I die?

**Germania: **And now, my niece-

**England: **Bloody hell, I'm the girl?!

**Germania: **-you shall become a Vestal Virgin so that you can never have kids that will steal the throne from me.

**America: **Yo dude, do you need to get the talk again? Because Iggy's missing some of the key baby-makin' gear, like a v-

**England: **No breaking the fourth wall you idiot!

**Narrator:** Oh yeah, 'cause we haven't done _that _yet. ***sarcasm* **Anyway, one day Mars came along-

**Prussia: **I'm ze awesome god of war! Suck it losers!

**Narrator: **Then one thing led to another and Rhea Silvia (Iggy) ended up preggers anyway.

**Germania, England, America, and Prussia: **WHAT THE HELL?!

**England: *is suddenly nine months pregnant* **Bloody FUCK!

**USUK shippers: *are horrified***

**America: *is too* **Iggy _can _get knocked up? _Where does it come out?!_

**Narrator: **And so, two things happened. One, America now had years of counseling to look forward to.

**America: **Is that why I look like him _and _France?!

**Japan da therapist: *pats his back and wonders...***

**Narrator: **And two, Rhea Silvia gave birth to twins, Romulus-

**Romano:** Sup mothafuckas? ***bites tomato***

**Narrator: **And Remus.

**Italy: **Ve~ Ciao everybody!

**Narrator: **Which Amulius, is like, totes not okay with.

**Germania: **Ah, that bitch! Didn't even name one after me, her favorite uncle! Henchmen, go kill them!

**Switzy and Germany: *are surprisingly okay with this***

**Narrator: **And so the twins were put into a basket and dropped in the river to drown.

**Romano: *spits out tomato* **Wait, WHAT?!

**Italy: **Ve~ don't kill me! I'm a virgin, you don't want to kill a virgin, we're already pitiful enough!

**Switzy and Germany: *think for a moment, then throw them in anyway***

**Romano: *grumbles* **Damn potato bastards.

**Narrator:** But luckily, a she-wolf heard the infants' desperate pleading and/or cursing, rescued them from the water, and nursed them. ***looks expectantly at a bush***

**Bush: *does nothing, because bushes are inanimate objects and therefore can't do anything***

**Narrator: *whispers angrily* **Austria! That's your cue!

**Austria: *appears, grumbling and fashionably wearing dog ears on his head with a tail pinned to his butt* **All right, all right, I'm coming! Did you really have to make me the she-wolf?

**England: **Count your blessings. I had to give birth to them.

**Austria: **Ja, but I have to nurse them.

**America: *drops his "good patient" sucker***

**Narrator: **And so America, who was just returning from a rather successful first therapy session with Japan, was further scarred.

**~Magical Time Skip~**

**Narrator: **Not too long after they were pulled from the river, Amulius' shepherd found the boys with the she-wolf.

**Spain:** Dios mio, they're so cute!** *runs up and starts hugging them in a totally non-pedophilic way***

**Austria: **TAKE THEM! I BEG YOU!

**Narrator: **And so he did.

**Spain: **Wow! I can't believe he just like gave me these babies! You know, I used to think that the she-wolf was a real puta (heheh, get it? It's a pun) but he's actually a pretty nice guy!

**Romano: *clinging to shepherd's back for dear life as he sprints home* **Would you stop bouncing so much, bastard?!

**Italy: *also clinging for dear life* **Ve~ That would be nice.

**Narrator: **Somehow all three made it to the shepherd's house alive and there, he and his wife raised them.

**Hungary da wife:** This is the last time I'll be mentioned! *cheerful*

**Spain:** Si! Me too!** *high fives***

**Narrator: **Eventually, Romulus and Remus grew up and learned their true heritage.

**Romano: **All right bitches, line up and worship your sexy god!

**Italy: **I'm a god huh? No wonder I'm so sexy!

**Everyone: *is shocked at his word choice***

**The Silence: *is awkward***

**Narrator: *clears throat* **And once this discovery was made, the twins freed their grandfather and their mother from their imprisonment (did I mention Amulius locked her up too?) and killed Amulius.

**Romano: **Die bitch!

**Germania: *does so***

**Narrator: **After their grandfather was reinstated as the king of Alba Longa, Romulus and Remus decided to build a city on the Tiber River where they'd almost been drowned. There were some complications though, such as arguments over who should rule.

**Italy: **You'll be our king, won't you? You can be our strong big brother. You'll give us commands and we'll disappoint you!

**Romano: **LOL nope.

**Narrator: **In the end, it was Remus' stupidity and Romulus' short temper that solved that.

**Germany: *appears outside of city***

**Italy: **Germany! Germany! Wanna see my new city Germany?!

**Romano: **Hey! Don't bring that potato bastard in here! He was drowning us about fifty lines ago!

**Italy: *slow-mo leaps over partially built walls***

**Romano: *slow-mo gasps*** M-My wall. ***pulls out AK-47***

**Narrator: **Wait, wut?

**Romano: **Bitches gonna die.

**~Censored for violence~**

**Narrator: **And that's why it's called Rome and not Reme.

**England: **What does that have to do with anything?!

**_Fin._**

* * *

**Well, if this helped you learn history in any way, shape, or form, that's awesome. If it just made you chuckle a bit, that's cool too. Please review and let me know what you think! Also, let me know if I should make more like this! Tootles!**


	2. How to be an Awesome King part 1

**Hey! So I'm back again with another random chapter in Roman history! Hope ya like it!**

* * *

**Narrator: **The first 253 years of Roman history are a period of time known as the Roman monarchy. There was also the Roman Republic and the Roman Empire, but-

**Romano: **Fuck that shit, tell 'em about me!

**Narrator: *whipped puppy voice* **I was gonna say that.

**Italy: *****is supposed to be dead, but is too badass* **Vee~ Roma, you shouldn't be mean to girls!

**Romano: **...Narrator's a _girl?!_

**Narrator: *facepalms*** I'm working with idiots. ***sigh* **Moving on, the first king, obviously, was Romulus.

**Romano: **Dat's right, I'm back bitches!

**Narrator: **Lovely. Other than building the entire fucking city and killing his brother, Romulus did lots of good things like getting citizens-

**Romano: **Yo Gramps, give me all yo thugs and criminals.

**Rome: **Uh... okay?

**Narrator: **-making laws for said citizens-

**Romano:** One, all tomatoes go directly to me for ***cough* **inspection. Two, no one shall give me tomato-related nicknames-

**Spain da thug/citizen: **But tomate-

**Romano:** Bastardo! ***bitch slap***

**Narrator: **-and getting them ladies. ***suggestive eye waggle***

**Romano: **Law number three! I want y'all to mass produce!

**Bad Touch Trio, Denmark, Scotland, Ireland, and Poland (?) da thugs/citizens: *blank stares***

**Romano: **Procreate

**BTT, Den. Scot., Ire., Pol.,: *more blank stares***

**Romano: *rolls eyes* **Get busy. Toe to toe tango. Knock boots. _Make babies._

**France: *wraps arm around Ireland's shoulders* **I'd make babies with you any day, mon ami.

**Crack shippers: *are intrigued***

**Ireland: *doesn't give a fuck, and chugs whiskey like a boss***

**England: *appears and is pissed*** Don't flirt with my little brother you bloody git!** *commence epic catfight of the century***

**Poland:** Catch all this and more on next week's episode of The Bad Girl's Club! ***winks and smiles winningly***

**Narrator: **LOL wut

**Prussia: **Kid, one issue with your plan.

**Romano: **What?

**Denmark: **We're a city of thugs. Seeing as this is 753 BC, bad boys aren't _in_ yet.

**Romano: *doesn't get it* **LATIN. Speak LATIN.

**France: **Hic, non potes pullas invenis.

**Romano: **So you're telling me I started a city and didn't think to get any chicks?!

**Denmark: **Ita vero, princepis mei!

**Narrator: *is frustrated* **Tell 'em they can speak English again!

**Prussia: *nods sadly as if Narrator has said nothing* **Even Gilbird isn't here.

**Romano: **...FACK.** *thinks, then smiles charmingly* **Hey Narrator, you're a girl aren't you?

**Narrator:** Back off bitch, I got MACE.** *holds up mace as proof.* **Ahem. Continuing. So Romulus did the only sensible thing in this situation. He tricked the neighboring peoples (such as the Albans and the Sabines) into coming for a feast, and once they arrived Romulus and his men then proceeded to steal their daughters to have as wives. This event is known as the Sabine rape.

**'Merica: **Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband, 'cuz they rapin' _everyone _in Rome!

**Narrator: **Yeah, that's actually almost correct!

**Romano & Co.: *run away with fem!America, fem!Canada, fem!Norway, Mexico, Hungary, Belgium, Seychelles, and... Lithuania?***

**Romano:** You bastard! ***points to Mexico* **What's she doing here?

**Spain: **Lovi~ You told us to procreate!

**Romano: **Not with my little sister, god damn it!

**Narrator: **Hey! You two! I just fixed the fourth wall, so you stop that now!

_To be continued..._

**Bonus Scene!:**

**Ireland: *is running around proudly with a giggling Seychelles on his shoulders* **My kids are gonna be Halfrican, my kids are gonna be Halfrican!

**Scotland: **Laddy, I wouldn't go yelling that with the boss's new wife around.

**Fem!America: **Politically incorrect! That's politically incorrect, damn it!

**Spain: **I'm sorry Lovi! I forgot she was your sister!

**Romano: **How the hell did you forget? You raised us! She revolted against you and everything!

**Fem!America: **Technically speaking, aren't I your sister too? I mean, Spain controlled parts of me for a while.

**Romano: *is seriously flustered by this* **T-That's different!

**Fem!Norway: *has Denmark hugging her around the waist* **So, you're telling me you're _okay _with this?!

**Lithuania: *is being fangirled over by Poland* **I'm kinda used to it ***shrugs* **aren't you?

**Fem!Norway: **With this idiot? Every time I think I'm used to him, he just gets stupider!

**Denmark: **Aww, you're pretending to hate me! That's so cute Norge!

**France: *holds fem!Canada in his lap and rambles about sexy hair***

**Fem!Canada: *pretends to care, proof that their relationship will go the distance***

**Prussia: *glomps Hungary* **Mine! Kesesese!

**Hungary: *can't find her frying pan* **Shepherd husband! Save me!

**Spain: *judo-chops***

**Hungary: *somehow has become pregnant* **

**Narrator: **Seriously Prussia, how do you manage to do that so quickly?!

**Belgium: **I just want to know how I ended up married to Scotland.

**Scotland: **Aye lass, I was thinking that too, but from what I seen, it seems best if ye don't ask questions.

* * *

**So yeah, that's the chapter. Here's the translations before I get to the actual note:**

**Hic, non potes puellas invenis- You won't be able to find girls here  
Ita vero, princepis mei- Yes indeed, my king!**

**Anyways, just a reminder that beneath all the crackiness of this story, there is actual historical fact. The original citizens of Rome really were just the thugs and ruffians and criminals that the surrounding tribes/cities/kingdoms/whatever rejected. Since, for obvious reasons, none of these rejects were women, the Romans invited over the surrounding whatevers for a feast, and since the Sabines were stupid enough to bring their entire families, the Romans made off with their daughters and married them**

**Note: No one actually _raped _any of the girls in the "Sabine rape." Once they took the girls, the Romans talked to them and managed to convince them that they would be good husbands to them and take care of them (which I think is kind of sweet). So the girls were actually okay with it. But their dads and brothers kind of weren't. After a while the Sabine men came back and began fighting the Romans, but the girls got in between them to stop the fight and told them that they didn't want to become widows and orphans on the same day. Seeing that their daughters were happy there, the Sabines made peace with the Romans and the two groups joined together to make one gigantic Rome.**

**Now, I hope you either got a laugh or learned something from this. Please review if you want me to write more of these!**


	3. How to be an Awesome King part 2

**I'm back! Sorry for the wait, I lost my Latin history notes which I was using to write this with, and I didn't want to accidentally skip something important, but I'm back now! Enjoy!**

* * *

**Poland:** ***smiles winningly* **Welcome to another thrilling episode of the Bad Girls Club! I'm your host, Feliks Lukasiewicz-

**Narrator:** Damn it Poland! I told you we weren't doing that!

**Lithuania:** And you thought he listened?

**Narrator:** ***sighs* **No.

**Lithuania:** ***pats Narrator's back sympathetically***

**Narrator: **All right, moving on. Following Romulus, there were a number of kings who, to be quite honest, really weren't that interesting. The second king of Rome was Numa Pompilius.

**Italy: *grins* **That's-a me! I devoted attention to legal and religious institutions!

**Narrator: *wipes away a tear* **If only everyone could follow the script like that. ***clears throat* **Anyway, after Numa Pompillius, there was Tullus Hostillius.

**Romano: *is grumpy* **Damn it, all that German bastard did was make our military all strict and declare war on the Albans. Our grandpa's still over there douche bag!

**Narrator: **Um, Romano? I think you're getting a little confused. Tullus Hostillius was Roman. Germany's just playing him.

**Germany: *sighs* **I don't think he cares.

**Romano: *shrugs* **Tomato tomato. His gramps still killed mine.

**Prussia: **What happened to the potato potato part of that?

**Narrator: **Aw, shit...

**Romano: **Bastardo! ***bitch slaps***** **Do not mention that vile fruit to me!

**Prussia: **I thought it was a vegetable...

**France: **Non, I believe it is a starch.

**Narrator: **Do you guys really want to argue with him?

**Prussia & France: *****consider this***

**Narrator: **Anyhoodles, like Romano said, Tullus Hostillius DID renew the emphasis on military posture, and declared war on the Albans. Eventually, I guess everybody got fed up of the war, because they ended up getting two sets of triplets and pitting them against each other in an ultimate smackdown to decide the victor. Fighting for Rome were the Horatii brothers-

**Canada, Male!Mexico, America: *try and fail to appear menacing* **Gr.

**Narrator: **-and for the Albans were the Curiattii.

**Male!Ukraine, Male!Belarus, Russia: *smile, wave, and look unbelievably intimidating in doing so***

**Canada:** ***is shaking at the knees* **I think I just pissed myself.

**Male!Mexico: *eye roll* **Oh brother...

**America: **Man up Canadia! We've got Ruskies to kill!

**Narrator: **Hey! There will be no racial slurs in this chapter, all right? What happened to all that politically correct nonsense anyway?

**America: *****shrugs* **It's Russia.

**Canada: **America's rules don't apply to Russia.

**Narrator: **Well, anyway, at some point down the line, the killing started, and soon two of the Horatii bros. were gone.

**Male!Mexico: *to Canada* **I bet it's your fault.

**Canada: *sighs*** It probably is.

**Narrator: **It was. Now, at this point in the fight, things were looking pretty grim for the final Horatii brother. After all, three against one, and these aren't just normal Albans we're talking about, these are Russian/Belarusian/Ukrainian Albans! So-

**America: **Spoiler alert! I'm the only one who lives!

**Male!Belarus, Male!Ukraine, Russia: *die***

**Narrator: **Damn it America! I wanted to narrate that part!

**America: *shrugging and not sounding especially apologetic* **Sorry.

**Narrator: **Sigh, so as America so rudely point out, Horatius, the last of the Horatii, was the winner, and Rome won the war.

**Herd of Roman thugs and wives from last chapter: *somewhat half-assedly* **Hurray.

**Narrator: **Sometime later, Tullius was struck by lightning and died. It was probably Jupiter's fault.

**Romano: **Am I Jupiter?

**Narrator: *shrugs* **sure, why not?

**Romano: **FUCK YEAH!

**Narrator:** After Tullius came Ancius Marcius, the grandson of Numa Pompillius. He really didn't do much but build stuff. ***looks expectantly at Switzerland***

**Switzerland: *groans* **Do I really have to say this?

**Narrator: *nods, looking way too pleased with herself***

**Switzy: *sighs* **_BOOM BABEH!_ ***gestures wildly to all that he has built, then, when no one is looking, flees in shame***

**Narrator: **Things that Ancus built included, but were not limited to: new city walls-

**Romano: **Hey, what was wrong with mine?!

**Narrator: -**a prison-

**BTT, Denmark, Scotland, Ireland, Poland: **Ah, crap.*

**Narrator: **-a bridge across the Tiber, and a new seaport at Ostia. That's about it. After him came Lucius Tarquinius Priscus-

**Hong Kong: *waves less than enthusiastically***

**Narrator:** **-**whose name was long to the point of being inconsiderate. He was from Etruria, not Rome, and gained the throne through fraud. He didn't get to do much because Ancus Marcius' sons killed him.

**Switzy: **My sons? Wait, does that mean-

**Liechtenstein: *has borrowed Germania's BAMF shades and Romano's AK-47***

**Switzy:** ...shit

**Liechtenstein: **Bitches gonna die.

**Hong Kong a.k.a. "bitches": *dies***

**Narrator: **And this brings us to the last decent king, Servius Tullius. He married Priscus' daughter-

**Liechtenstein: *is sweet again* **Me again. I guess I'm multiple boys and a girl.

**Switzerland: **What the hell?! Did I tell you that you could marry my sister/sons/daughter?!

**France: **Well, mon ami, you didn't, but you cannot stand in the way of l'amour!

**Switzerland: **Why you- ***Reaches for machine gun***

**Narrator: **Whoa Nellie! Don't kill Francey-pants! That's Prussia's job.

**France: **_Qu'avez-vous dit?! _(What did you say?!)

**Narrator: **That's right! Soon after marrying Servius' daughter-

**Ireland: *scratches neck and waves uncomfortably* **Er, hello.

**England: **_Bloody hell! _What is it with you people and my brother?!

**America: *has been scarred yet again* **U-Uncle Patrick?

**Narrator: **Jesus Christ people! At least let me say who married Ire- I mean Servius' daughter.

**America and England: *are quiet***

**Narrator: **Thank you. After marrying Servius' daughter, Lucius Tarquinius Superbus (whose cognomen means "the proud") threw Servius bodily out of the Senate and had him murdered in the streets.

**France: **_Pour quoi?! (What?!)_

**Narrator: **Later, as her carriage was being driven by the scene of her father's murder, his daughter had her driver deliberately drive over Servius' corpse, like the coldhearted bitch she was.

**Ireland: *is suddenly pregnant, but chooses to ignore it* **Heheh, sucker.

**England: **He got you too?!

**Narrator: **We've been over this. Prussia works fast... ***clears throat* **Moving on from YET ANOTHER distraction, after Servius was killed-

**Prussia: **Ze awesome me took power.

**Narrator: **STOP STEALING MY LINES DAMN IT. Ahem, but yes, Lucius Tarquinius Superbus then took power and killed a crap load of senators.

**Prussia: *sing songy voice* **Oh Austriaaaa~ Kesesese

**Austria: **...Crap ***dies***

**Narrator: **After all dem senators were out of the way (sorry Austria), Superbus decided that all Rome needed was a nifty sewer system and a great temple to Jupiter put on Capitolline Hill.

**Romano: *looks in shock at Prussia***

**Prussia: *is also quite shocked***

**Romano: *coughs***

**Prussia: **Well this is awkward...

**Narrator: *pleasantly* **Yes. Yes it is.

**Everyone: *feels mildly uncomfortable***

**Narrator: *****hates awkwardness in her damn script* **But don't worry. Cuz you see, Superbus' son got the hots for his cousin's wife and, well... Austria, we need to awaken you for a second.

**Austria: *is resurrected***

**America: **Sweet JESUS

**Ireland: **Literally ***swigs beer***

**Narrator: *is probably going to hell for making an Austria-Jesus parallel***

**Prussia: **Well darn. Hey, who's my son anyway?

**Holy Rome: *is also alive* **Sup bro?

**Narrator: **Yaaaay, awkward family reunions! Holy Roma, this is your brudaddy (combo of burder and daddy) Prussia/Lucius Superbus, and here's your cousin Austria/random senator who's name I forgot, and this is your cousin's wife Hungary!

**Hungary: **I'm the wife? Hm... Why do I get the feeling this doesn't end well for me?

**Narrator: **Because it isn't.

**Holy Rome: **S-Sorry about this Miss Hungary.

**Narrator: **And so, Superbus' son got his rape on-

**Prussia: **France, are you sure he's not your kid?

**France: **What century was he born in again?

**Ireland: *suddenly has curlers in his hair and a rolling pin in his hand to wave at Holy Rome* **DAMN IT I raised you better than that!

**Narrator: *has finally learned to ignore them* **and after telling her husband and her father what happened, said cousin's wife killed herself. Wow. That's depressing. Well, get to it Hungary.

**Hungary: **I blame Prussia ***dies***

**Prussia: **I am far too awesome to take offense to that.

**Holy Rome: *is going through his sassy teenager phase* **Riiiiiiight.

**Narrator: **And on that note, people got fed up with Pru- I mean Superbus and told him to hit the road, Jack.

**America: *starts singing "Hit the Road Jack* under his breath***

**Ireland: *Curlers and rolling pin gone as suddenly as they appeared* **Did you drop him on his head or something?

**England: **No! I only did that with you!

**Ireland: **Wait...what?

**Narrator: **After several epic failures (seriously, did anyone besides Romulus get his shit right?) the Romans decided screw kings and set up a really boring Republic with way too many government officials. The end. Toodles!

* * *

**Yeah, this one isn't my best. I'm getting all over the place with these crack ships though. I've created Ireland/Seychelles, Scotland/Belgium, France/Liechtenstein was probably a thing, but there's also Prussia/Ireland and Holy Roma/Hungary. So yeah. WAIT THERE'S MORE! Nah, just kiddin', I just like making infomercial references. There WILL be more though! Oh, so many more MWAHAHAHAHA. Again, not my best, but please review with suggestions and commentary and shit. It would seriously make my day. PEACE**


End file.
